Shutting Down To Feel Safe & The Reality Of This Coping Mechanism: Entry 1 of 2

     I have a typical pattern of comfort that use to rule everything I did and while I'd like to say that Ive completely freed myself from it, I can not; it is still lurking within, at times, more present than others.  I know I'm not the only one who follows a variation of this particular pattern, which is why I am sharing it.  For me, I have recognized that this comforting technique was birthed many years ago, at a time where I had about zero self esteem.

    It was pre- middle school, that I developed this way to cope with my surroundings...and certainly by my Sweet Sixteenth Birthday, I had perfected it!  It's rule book went a little something like this:

Do Not Trust Anybody
Do Not let down your Guard
Fear even the friendly faces
If you haven't Perfected it, don't try or share it
Showing Vulnerability or your REAL Self is a sure fire way to get hurt
Under No Circumstances should you do anything that might get you laughed at
Your Opinions are better KEPT to Yourself
If you are not 100% sure of the validity of the words coming out of your mouth... Do NOT say them aloud.
 

As you can probably tell by these unwritten rules that took over my World, I had a very intense fear surrounding JUDGEMENT.  All I wanted was to fit in and not be the target for scrutiny or someone elses demeaning laughter.  While I did have a group of friends I honestly always felt as though I didn't belong.  I was always AWKWARD, and never truly comfortable in my own skin. I went through my high school years this way, with many people assuming I was this super shy sweet and innocent girl.

At that time what my sixteen year old self didn't realize was that:

I would Never truly feel close to anyone without letting my guard down, opening up, and allowing myself to be vulnerable.

 

How do you cope with your anxiety and fears?
How far from your true self have you allowed yourself to go?
How tightly have you closed off or detached your true self from others?
Are you afraid you'll never find your way back?

It wasn't until a few years later at a college party that I even realized I had developed this way of hiding to not fully be seen. 
My next entry will share that eye opening story!

Until then,

Lots of Love, Hugs, & Summery Sunshine,

-April :)