Shutting Down to Feel Safe..Continued Entry 2 of 2

As my high school career ended and I started college, I went back and forth between being extremely anxious and very shy in social situations, to very laid back and at times, the life of the party.  I had found an unhealthy coping mechanism in alcohol; it became my way of dealing with social situations, as it eased my anxiety, and for a few short hours broke the chains that had tightened around my true self in the form of my "rules".  As sad as this sounds, if there was no alcohol involved, I became more closed off and appeared to others (especially those who weren't family or friends) as a ghost of a person.

Here is an actual event that took place and shined light onto the harsh reality of what I had been doing to myself by following the rigid guidelines I shared with you earlier:

   I was visiting a friend of mine from high school who went to a different college.  I was excited to see her, yet I was nervous because there were so many unknowns that I would have to face, especially in encountering people I did not know.  My friend and her roommates were throwing a party the night I arrived.  The few hours leading up to the party I started to feel myself getting sick, anxious, allowing worry to take over in the form of what if's and heightened senses.  We did the typical pre-gaming routine, many college students practice before going out for the night, and I felt my worries melt into the background.

   My liquid courage was working it's magic and I was now having the time of my life!  I was in the moment, care free, laughing, making new friends, on top of the world...until I heard something that hadn't been intended for my ears.  A guy who I had went to high school with was also at this same party, talking to one of my new found friends, as this conversation just within my ear shot unfolded:

New Friend: "Oh my gosh! I love her! April is so much fun! Isn't she great?"

Guy From High School: "Yea, she's fun...too bad she has about zero personality when she isn't drinking."

That HIT Home..and hard.  I was devastated.  My eyes, responding to the big blow, let out a waterfall of tears that turned into whole body sobs.  I went from happy go lucky to down and depressed.  I wanted validation from my friend that the statement that was shattering my current world wasn't valid at all, and she gave it to me. My body stopped convulsing as I wiped my tear stained eyes, and thanked her for being on my side.  Deep down I knew there was truth to what he had said, but at the time I couldn't face it; at the time I couldn't see:

That those words had more truth in them than I was ready to hear

That alcohol was not the answer to my social anxiety

That I had about zero self worth

That the formula I had created to allow myself to not get hurt from others opinions or judgements had left me a shell of a person

That I was playing defense rather that offense in this game of life which left me, not truly living very much at all 

I share this for the real raw realizations.  In hope that someone else will recognize the similarities in their own life's patterns and become aware of the power they are taking away from themselves by fearing others judgements.

I wish I could say I was 100% healed and no longer let what other people might think rule every action that I take; but I'm not. I'm making great progress though.  I've learned that like the pattern I grew comfort in, this too will take some time to break, so I can be 100% unapologetically me.

For those of you out there who can relate:

THERE IS HOPE

 Please know that you always have the choice to choose who you want to be
one that is easily accessible, and can help set your true self free!

If you're still feeling flustered:
Focus On:

ACCEPTANCE

Of all that you are
flaws and all
Even your bruised and broken pieces
You are exactly where you should be on your Journey through life

LOVE

Every last itty bitty, or large and in charge piece that makes up you

You are Perfect As Is
We are Perfect As Is

The easier you can remember this, the easier time you will have at

Just Being You

Loads of Love, Huge Ass Hugs, And Smiles infused with Sunshine,

April :)